Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
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I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born