I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
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[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
Finished stitching this today 😇
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of