@Underchilde: Counting to ten after someone pisses you off gives you time to think of somewhere to bury them.
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@lucidchemistry: I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they'll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
@WheelTod: [Date] Him: I don't trust myself around you Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
@sofarrsogud: SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s? ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
@AnkCoupleTO: [mall food court] Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no