50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
You Might Also Like
i think both sides are to blame here
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
This is the one
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar