Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
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Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!