I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
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I WON A HAM TODAY
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
This is why I hate group projects
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.