COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
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I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw