couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
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Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT