[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
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Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication