When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
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[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Mornin
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.