Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
You Might Also Like
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
Current mood: Potato
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
My dog ate my work from home.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
I would like even faster food.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.