Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
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I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.