[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
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Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Catering service
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
scenes of unspeakable carnage
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
When I said I liked it rough.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.