[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
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4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.