Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
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My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
True
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
Coffee for people with no kids
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie