Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
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WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
Chicken bread
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.