Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
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Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
get you a girl who
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?