Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
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I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?