[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
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me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it