[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
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[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house