[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
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Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.