@shatterpants: I just want to wear futuristic clothes & run up to people, ask them what year it is and the date and run away screaming "There's still time"

@TheCatWhisprer: Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it's a dead body.

@NotARatsAss: Make sure to stand in the middle of group photos. It will be harder to crop you out later.

@OutOnTheMoors: When I was 20, a stranger ran up to me in the street and said we should get a divorce. That set the tone of weirdness for my adult life.

@CornOnTheGoblin: [doctor presses play] [video of me having a hard time slowing down after exiting an airport moving sidewalk] couple: maybe a different donor