[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
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The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
Effort made
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.