[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
You Might Also Like
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
*praying for world peace*
God:
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover