[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
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Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?