[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
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“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
August 8
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
This sounds bad:
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.