[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
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genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick