[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
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barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
not to brag, but mine was free
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.