[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
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The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.