court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
You Might Also Like
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
Shoo shoo! 😂
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.