court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
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Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell鈥檚 hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn鈥檛 been cleaned properly which he鈥檇 personally cleaned.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you鈥檝e been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 馃槀馃槀馃槀
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that鈥檚 impossible to wash away?
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I鈥檓 sure he wants something, but he鈥檚 scaring the hell out of me.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.