Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
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The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.