there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
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Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
December birthdays be like…
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
I finally found a reason to live again.