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I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
Mhm.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?