I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
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‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
Had a spot of bother earlier.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.