BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
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Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
Nomnomnomnom
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.