@nerdreign: Courtney Love thinks she found the plane. It's like God doesn't trust us to write our own jokes.
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@Mr_Kapowski: Just a typical Sunday morning of going on and writing Amazon reviews for cheese graters rating them low and saying "not good toys for kids"
@sofarrsogud: [TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND] 'Oh yeah, I love to cook!' *removes salad from the microwave
@Sickayduh: Her: Ok, on 3 lets,say what movie our marriage is most like. 1.. 2.. 3 *simultaneously* Her: THE NOTEBOOK Me: SHAWSHANK REDEMPTIONOTEBOOK
@RandiLawson: Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.