[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
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I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
yeet
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed