[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
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*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
this is what they would have looked like, though
Would you wear it?
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.