[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
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Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown