[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
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Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince