[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
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When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
become ungovernable
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler