[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
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*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.