[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
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Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
Love it! 👍😂
*bites zombie*
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
Tough love is true love
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?