[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
You Might Also Like
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
my fav colour is also hitler
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
we’re dead?
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.