[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
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[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.