[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
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Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield