Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
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HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*