I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
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*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT