[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
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Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight