*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
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Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.