*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
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ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?