COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
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i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
I think they could have phrased this better
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*